As Humans, we are always changing and evolving. If we do not change we don’t grow. This can be a frighting realization or a completely uplifting one. For me I struggle with change 90% of the time. I usually cling for dear life to what is familiar. That was not going to cut it for the long haul.
This Last year I desperately clung to anything that was “comfortable” but little did I know I was choosing everyday to live a life I didn’t like let alone want, but it was my choice I just couldn’t admit it to myself at that point. It seems that when you are in that survival mentality of just waking up and getting through the day anyway you can life is passing you by and all you can do is watch. Some have power over their mentality and some fall short sometimes, I definitely fall in the falling short category. I have learned it’s not about where we are, its about the choice that is right in front of us that we are able to choose. We can choose ourselves, we can choose love and growth, most of all we can choose the life we have always wanted. We are humans, but we are also beings. My soul craves growth and when I was starving it, it was getting louder and louder.
Growth is scary but I have learned from experience it’s scarier to stay somewhere you have outgrown. This journey of picking myself back up this summer has been anything but easy. For the first time in a long time, I looked at my life and where it was going, and I didn’t like it but worse I had no idea how to make it better. I started with falling on my face a few times falling back into the depression I had been so comfortable in and the remodel from the fire at the restaurant gave me time to take care of myself for the first time in months, maybe even years. We are programmed at such a young age to kill ourselves for our job but I finally had a break for the first time since I was 16 years old. I could have found another job right away but soul was so loud and I knew that break was more than I could have asked for.
I made the decision that I was ready to leave the place I grew up, my land of entrapment. Leaving had been on my mind for years now and I had finally saved a good amount of money to leave. Of course Life usually has different plans, my money was blown in the first month of me out of work and I still hadn’t received unemployment. I felt stuck but the only family I’ve ever been close to, my brother reached out a hand and said lets get you out of NM. He paid for my airbnb’s for 2 weeks, coming from a place where I was so uncomfortable to receive this meant everything.
I went out to Oregon ready to find a new home. The struggle had only become more real when reality set in just how hard it is to find a home when you have no money saved and no income moving to a new state. I felt even more lost, but then my favorite podcast The Bold Standard with Chiara Mazzucco gave me a spark of inspiration. I knew this was gonna be the girl who helped me activate the fire burning inside. It’s funny how when we decide we want something the universe is more than ready to give it to us. I asked for transformation, and boy did I get it. Even with no money I took a dive to sign up for a program that is changing my life and I am so grateful i did because in order to grow we must learn to invest in ourselves.
My summer ironically began with a fire at my place of work but the summer ended with a spark that has ignited my life. Growing is scary but it’s way worse standing in place. We might want to go back to whats comfortable but like my strong mentor has said “Your purpose has to be bigger than your bullshit” and it’s so true.