I no longer run away from my humanness.
For most of my life I’ve detached from my body at different times. When fear came up, my instinct was to escape. This last year I came home, back to my body. It came from a place of love, healing and acceptance. My body is a gift, I am grateful to touch, feel, taste, smell, hear and see.
We deserve to feel safe and held inwardly by ourselves. It feels so good to move my body again, to fully be present and know I am safe. A few years back the disconnection from my body caused depression and severe anxiety. I never wanted to move and I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I decided that wasn’t a story I was willing to tell anymore. It didn’t happen over night but I’m so grateful I am feeling much better and it’s been everything to be able to trust my body and myself again.
I had a hate relationship with my body. I didn’t trust it and I didn’t listen to what it ever needed. My back aches and I did anything to ignore it. My posture got worse and worse and I could feel it weighing on me but I didn’t know how to even begin to heal (even though I knew I had the tools, I didn’t know if I believed in those tools I once did) This is difficult for me to talk about but I think it’s important to discuss the low points and the disconnection we come across getting to the other side where we feel good again. Happy and right at home in our bodies.
Feeling unsafe in our bodies is the most unfair feeling we can endure, in my opinion we should all feel safe, especially in our bodies.
Take a second to focus on your breath. Feel your body, how does it feel?
Maybe you feel amazing, maybe you feel tense, maybe you haven’t felt your body in a while. When we go through shittt this is a natural response, to disconnect from our bodies.
Trust being in your body is safe. Truth is, if you don’t know the feeling of being disconnected from your body it’s an interesting concept to understand. I think I recently just started understanding this deeply last year. When I was disconnected from my body I didn’t know the difference because I was ignoring the pain.
When you are detached from your body you feel ungrounded, maybe unbalanced and it can feel like an enormous task to simply move around. Many people who experience trauma, depression and anxiety know the feeling all to well of escaping the body. The problem with this is sometimes we take a while to connect back and life can feel out of wack until we do.
Every person reading this has been through some sort of trauma, every human has. We all deal with trauma differently though. Some take up a new exercise or hobby, and some talk it out with friends, family or even a therapist. Other people shove it down, ignore it mentally and move on from it in somewhat a suppressed manner, but for some of us we escape, and detach in the same way and it definitely starts to wear on your body. This means usually feeling unsafe in your physical body has made you feel the need to disassociate and detach from it. It’s a completely human response but what comes next? Because we disconnected for a reason obviously, so when is it safe or will it ever be safe to be present in our bodies again?
This can be difficult. I know because I’ve definitely dealt with this at different times of my life. I see you, I honor you and just know this is a safe place to ask yourself these questions you might have been avoiding (I know I was) I can assure you, ignoring the pain never makes it go away.
A few years ago ignoring the pain was my go to, and honestly it didn’t happen all at once. It happened little by little, I’d shove this thing down that had upset me and not deal with this and that and then suddenly I had a pile of shit under the rug that I wasn’t dealing with in my job, my home, my relationships and even with myself. it all started when I was roofied one night of going out with a friend. I’ve told this story before so I’ll keep it short, but this was when I truly felt the most unsafe I ever had in my life. It’s not specifically the event that happened but the way I didn’t deal with it after that caused me to feel detached from my body and life. Any trauma can cause this, any level. It wasn’t our choice to be traumatized (obviously) but it is our responsibility to deal with our pain and heal.
I felt unsafe and I didn’t understand how something so awful could happen to me. I thought I was always careful, I didn’t know how it happened but I lost trust in myself and I didn’t deal with what happened to me. Instead I blamed myself and didn’t deal with the trauma, didn’t talk about it and definitely didn’t deal with it. I technically got home safe and luckily nothing that bad happened to my knowledge but I still was overwhelmed with a feeling of powerlessness. I didn’t deal with it for a while, I went to work the very next day even, just hoping I’d forget about the trauma I just endured. Still in shock and crying on and off the whole day. I felt shameful, and I felt absolutely awful, but honestly had no clue where to start on dealing with it.
About a month later I then had a mandatory appointment to get my wisdom teeth pulled. I didn’t expect being put under to have such an impact on me but I think it resurfaced my trauma and I then felt even more unsafe and even more terrified to be in my body. I’ll skip the long gruesome details but basically I started getting an infection from the surgery.
I had been numbing the pain with prescription pills so I actually had no idea when the infection started but after being in extreme pain for over a month I called to schedule a visit. They brought me in but to my surprise they had to re open my wound that had already closed up. This was so excruciating I can’t even begin to explain. I than escaped even more, trying to do anything to disassociate from the extreme agony I had just experienced. With no sympathy at all from the doctor I felt unsafe, not considered and completely confused as to why I just endured so much pain.
Instead of getting back up, I wallowed in my pain for a while. Sad, blocked, numb and detached. This was my new way, I started coping through life and through the pain.
The emotional and mental pain continued, and because of this my physical pain was unable to start, and so the healing process came to a hault. I ignored, and coped for about two fulls years, and not because I wanted to but more because I didn’t know where to turn for help, or support and I didn’t think it was that bad. So I tried to get along, manage the pain or numb it all together. I felt no one knew my pain, because it wasn’t visible but I couldn’t describe how much it was running my life basically into a burning building.
When I started to slowly come back to my body. When the connection to my body was clearly absent I started doing simple things like focusing on my posture and feeling tension in the different parts of my body as I would take a breath. I let the pain take over for the first time. I broke down begging god to help me heal, to help me feel better in any way. I slowly started feeling more and more. The pain was desperate for me to finally feel it and the more I felt it the more I healed. Not all of it was good feelings either but the more I paid attention to my body the better it started feeling.
When you go through something hard, maybe a lot of really tough moments, it’s completely human to deal with it how ever you have to deal with it. Just deal with it, because you don’t deserve to subconsciously relive the pain over and over because you don’t want to fully face it.
After going through this I realized I had a passion and a calling to guide people through their pain, to create a life they fucking love. I wish I would have had someone to help me in the worst times of all of it but that’s why I am so honored to help anyone on their journey. I have experience in some deep pain and I turned it into my purpose, mmmmm.
I am coaching one on one right now. Where ever you are on your journey, if you’d like my guidance please reach out. I’d love to give you some of the tools I’ve used to reconnect back to my body and my life. If you’d like to set up a call or just connect email me, and of course I’m on instagram if you’d like to connect there. Thanks guys wishing you all the best, we are getting through this! Contact info below, sending you all love and light.