Connect Back to Your Body

I no longer run away from my humanness.

For most of my life I’ve detached from my body at different times. When fear came up, my instinct was to escape. This last year I came home, back to my body. It came from a place of love, healing and acceptance. My body is a gift, I am grateful to touch, feel, taste, smell, hear and see.

We deserve to feel safe and held inwardly by ourselves. It feels so good to move my body again, to fully be present and know I am safe. A few years back the disconnection from my body caused depression and severe anxiety. I never wanted to move and I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I decided that wasn’t a story I was willing to tell anymore. It didn’t happen over night but I’m so grateful I am feeling much better and it’s been everything to be able to trust my body and myself again.

I had a hate relationship with my body. I didn’t trust it and I didn’t listen to what it ever needed. My back aches and I did anything to ignore it. My posture got worse and worse and I could feel it weighing on me but I didn’t know how to even begin to heal (even though I knew I had the tools, I didn’t know if I believed in those tools I once did) This is difficult for me to talk about but I think it’s important to discuss the low points and the disconnection we come across getting to the other side where we feel good again. Happy and right at home in our bodies.

Feeling unsafe in our bodies is the most unfair feeling we can endure, in my opinion we should all feel safe, especially in our bodies.

Take a second to focus on your breath. Feel your body, how does it feel?

Maybe you feel amazing, maybe you feel tense, maybe you haven’t felt your body in a while. When we go through shittt this is a natural response, to disconnect from our bodies.

Trust being in your body is safe. Truth is, if you don’t know the feeling of being disconnected from your body it’s an interesting concept to understand. I think I recently just started understanding this deeply last year. When I was disconnected from my body I didn’t know the difference because I was ignoring the pain.

When you are detached from your body you feel ungrounded, maybe unbalanced and it can feel like an enormous task to simply move around. Many people who experience trauma, depression and anxiety know the feeling all to well of escaping the body. The problem with this is sometimes we take a while to connect back and life can feel out of wack until we do.

Every person reading this has been through some sort of trauma, every human has. We all deal with trauma differently though. Some take up a new exercise or hobby, and some talk it out with friends, family or even a therapist. Other people shove it down, ignore it mentally and move on from it in somewhat a suppressed manner, but for some of us we escape, and detach in the same way and it definitely starts to wear on your body. This means usually feeling unsafe in your physical body has made you feel the need to disassociate and detach from it. It’s a completely human response but what comes next? Because we disconnected for a reason obviously, so when is it safe or will it ever be safe to be present in our bodies again?

This can be difficult. I know because I’ve definitely dealt with this at different times of my life. I see you, I honor you and just know this is a safe place to ask yourself these questions you might have been avoiding (I know I was) I can assure you, ignoring the pain never makes it go away.

A few years ago ignoring the pain was my go to, and honestly it didn’t happen all at once. It happened little by little, I’d shove this thing down that had upset me and not deal with this and that and then suddenly I had a pile of shit under the rug that I wasn’t dealing with in my job, my home, my relationships and even with myself. it all started when I was roofied one night of going out with a friend. I’ve told this story before so I’ll keep it short, but this was when I truly felt the most unsafe I ever had in my life. It’s not specifically the event that happened but the way I didn’t deal with it after that caused me to feel detached from my body and life. Any trauma can cause this, any level. It wasn’t our choice to be traumatized (obviously) but it is our responsibility to deal with our pain and heal.

I felt unsafe and I didn’t understand how something so awful could happen to me. I thought I was always careful, I didn’t know how it happened but I lost trust in myself and I didn’t deal with what happened to me. Instead I blamed myself and didn’t deal with the trauma, didn’t talk about it and definitely didn’t deal with it. I technically got home safe and luckily nothing that bad happened to my knowledge but I still was overwhelmed with a feeling of powerlessness. I didn’t deal with it for a while, I went to work the very next day even, just hoping I’d forget about the trauma I just endured. Still in shock and crying on and off the whole day. I felt shameful, and I felt absolutely awful, but honestly had no clue where to start on dealing with it.

About a month later I then had a mandatory appointment to get my wisdom teeth pulled. I didn’t expect being put under to have such an impact on me but I think it resurfaced my trauma and I then felt even more unsafe and even more terrified to be in my body. I’ll skip the long gruesome details but basically I started getting an infection from the surgery.

I had been numbing the pain with prescription pills so I actually had no idea when the infection started but after being in extreme pain for over a month I called to schedule a visit. They brought me in but to my surprise they had to re open my wound that had already closed up. This was so excruciating I can’t even begin to explain. I than escaped even more, trying to do anything to disassociate from the extreme agony I had just experienced. With no sympathy at all from the doctor I felt unsafe, not considered and completely confused as to why I just endured so much pain.

Instead of getting back up, I wallowed in my pain for a while. Sad, blocked, numb and detached. This was my new way, I started coping through life and through the pain.

The emotional and mental pain continued, and because of this my physical pain was unable to start, and so the healing process came to a hault. I ignored, and coped for about two fulls years, and not because I wanted to but more because I didn’t know where to turn for help, or support and I didn’t think it was that bad. So I tried to get along, manage the pain or numb it all together. I felt no one knew my pain, because it wasn’t visible but I couldn’t describe how much it was running my life basically into a burning building.

When I started to slowly come back to my body. When the connection to my body was clearly absent I started doing simple things like focusing on my posture and feeling tension in the different parts of my body as I would take a breath. I let the pain take over for the first time. I broke down begging god to help me heal, to help me feel better in any way. I slowly started feeling more and more. The pain was desperate for me to finally feel it and the more I felt it the more I healed. Not all of it was good feelings either but the more I paid attention to my body the better it started feeling.

When you go through something hard, maybe a lot of really tough moments, it’s completely human to deal with it how ever you have to deal with it. Just deal with it, because you don’t deserve to subconsciously relive the pain over and over because you don’t want to fully face it.

After going through this I realized I had a passion and a calling to guide people through their pain, to create a life they fucking love. I wish I would have had someone to help me in the worst times of all of it but that’s why I am so honored to help anyone on their journey. I have experience in some deep pain and I turned it into my purpose, mmmmm.

I am coaching one on one right now. Where ever you are on your journey, if you’d like my guidance please reach out. I’d love to give you some of the tools I’ve used to reconnect back to my body and my life. If you’d like to set up a call or just connect email me, and of course I’m on instagram if you’d like to connect there. Thanks guys wishing you all the best, we are getting through this! Contact info below, sending you all love and light.

Be Where You Belong

You are supported by this planet. Every moment. Let’s be honest sometimes it feels like life is pushing against us but I can assure you the universe is always working for us, even when it feels otherwise. “Set backs” May be times to learn or lean inward or take you away from where you are no longer meant to be. I say this only from experience.

Last year I felt completely out of place, and I also felt like life was knocking me down every chance it had. From having a wisdom teeth surgery go horribly wrong turning into an incredibly painful infection, to my boyfriend I just moved in with cheating on me, to going to a shitty job I hated everyday constantly surrounding myself with people who didn’t get me, and losing one of the few who did to a random night of him getting hit by a car, and just when that all sounded like way to much, the restaurant I was working at caught on fire one morning, so I was out of a job. This all happened over the course of only a year.

I finally had enough. I was done suffering and I was done feeling powerless. I had been resisting the whole time but as soon as I took my power back and started changing little things day by day it got better and better. This can be incredibly difficult but instead of resisting it, let’s tune in to the guidance.

Think about the energy behind knowing you are right where you belong. You feel like you are connected to a path, a purpose and it’s all unfolding how it is meant to. Beautiful vibes basically.

Now think about the energy behind questioning where you are, where you are going and what you are meant to do next, but in a way where you convince yourself you don’t know what you’re doing, and you don’t trust yourself. This feels powerless, it feels yucky. Sometimes uncertainty can be exciting but overall if you are disconnected chances are you will end up confused and feeling constantly out of alignment.

We are humans, we are imperfect and made to run into obstacles and struggles BUT we deserve the feeling of love and belonging. This is everything for our human existence. It makes the tough times more bearable when you know you are loved, supported and right with the people that are meant for you.

This month I am diving deep into root chakra healing. Chakras are energy systems in our bodies and when one is off balance it throws off our energy. The root chakra is located at the base of your spine, and it is the very first chakra in your energy system. When it is out of wack and not balanced it will bring heaviness to your body, feelings of lack scarcity and fear are present, disconnection from your body, earth and the people around you. I mention this chakra here because this chakra really connected me back to feeling like I belonged, and that the earth was not only holding me but supporting me.

This chakra has been such a huge part of my healing because it has been the chakra most out of tune for me my entire life. I’ve struggled with my money mindset, I’ve struggled with feeling like I didn’t belong anywhere I turned, I’ve struggled with anxiety and escaping my body and I’ve felt extremely detached and distant from my family most of my life. These are all manifestations of an off balanced root chakra.

Connecting with this chakra and spending that time healing has been EVERYTHING. I can’t even tell you guys how unsafe I’d feel in my body. At times I had no idea where these feelings were coming from, all I knew is I felt out of place, and sometimes unsafe. This was the foundation of me feeling safe in my body again. After experiencing trauma a few years ago that I shoved down and never got over it felt like I was always out of place, and even out of my body.

Trauma will stay with you and it can run your life if you let it. I definitely was letting it run my life and I was making choices out of fear alone. Life is not meant to feel like this. We all deserve to belong, and we all deserve to be around people who know how to love us. If you feel out of place, if you feel like the people around you convince you that you’re hard to love, please, get the hell out of that life because it is not your life, most likely.

After picking up all the pieces of what had been my shitty life, I started to feel gratitude again. I started healing physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and spiritually. I slowly cut off people who didn’t get me, and didn’t try to. I started working for myself, and started creating again. It was a long journey but every step got me closer to where I knew I wanted to be. More than ever I know I am on the right path and I am now able to help others on theirs. This is such a gift and I don’t think I would have gotten here if it wasn’t for the unapologetic guidance of this universe.

Your life will fit perfect like your favorite outfit. You will thrive in the place you are meant to be and best of all you will have a sense of belonging. You will feel more loved and more seen than you maybe have ever in life. Trust me, it’s so worth it. And trust yourself, only you know where you are meant to go.

6 Ways to Create the Life You’re Dreaming of

It takes one decision. One step in the right direction, one leap and you could be right on your way to cultivating and creating the life you’ve always wanted. I remember a few years ago I would say “maybe next lifetime ….” Maybe in the future those things will be possible the big house, the dream car but not now. Man, I’m glad my beliefs have extremely changed around this. I now KNOW I get to have the life I’ve always dreamed of. The material things, the love, the vacations all of it is yours as soon as you are ready to take that step in the right direction. It definitely doesn’t happen all at once, but little by little you look back and you see all of these hurdles, hills and mountains you’ve not only climbed but MOVED.

A year ago I was at a job I hated. I was surrounded by people I felt alone with. I felt like crap physically, mentally and emotionally. Finally when I had enough suffering I realized my mind and my frequency was attracting all of these awful circumstances and I had enough. I had to turn inward and listen to every thing I needed and finally stop neglecting myself. Aside from taking care of yourself there were six things that sent me into a portal of transformation.

1. Be grateful for where you are! Where ever you are, celebrating yourself is a sure way to get you even further. Simple. When you are grateful for what you have, what you want gravitates towards you. Notice the good things you do have in your life and be grateful for those things that bring you happiness and joy. Be intentional about being present. You are living this life right now and although you may be ready for bigger things those things won’t come to you out of pure desire. You must align with those things you want. What better way to raise your vibration to those desires than gratitude for what you do have, for where you are and where you are excited to go.

2. Stop giving yourself limitations. Dream big. The biggest, boldest, baddest dreams you can think of and don’t let yourself or anyone else for that matter limit you. I believe as a society we are conditioned to sub consciously limit ourselves, the ceiling is the limit. Whether it be because of money, time, work or simply being programmed to not let ourselves have anything we want these are all limiting beliefs. So the way we stop limiting ourselves if it has been a repeated pattern in our life is switching the belief. Every time you think ahhhhh maybe I can’t have this or that or take this expensive vacation or move across the country shift the thought. This will take time and a lot of patience with yourself. After all you are relearning something that was I graced in you probably as a child. That’s where my limiting beliefs came from especially around money. My parents used to fight about money, and they would always talk about the lack. I decided money was awful and I repelled it away from me it seemed most of my life, until I switched my belief. I love money, money is good, money brings solutions and boom I no longer have those limiting and yuck feelings around money. Usually when we hold ourselves back it’s not because we are scared we will fail but sometimes we are afraid how far we will go, how high we will climb and how much impact but when we change our limiting thoughts around fearing the bigness we then are able to get excited for the bigness!

3. Take off your judgey pants. This has been a huge mountain for me. Surprisingly not towards others but myself. Before I would post something I would be like “ this is ridiculous, you’re a weirdo and people are gonna hate on you for it” all of the negative self talk kept me from taking action. I stood in place scared to make a move watching everyone else go after their dreams. Finally I took off my judgey pants, I fell back in love with my goofy mannerisms in stead of hiding them like I had been. When I stopped judging myself my relationships started shifting, I was feeling supported and loved for who I was which I had been struggling with the past year because I thought everyone was watching and judging every move I made when in reality I was the only one doing it to myself. What a shame, I was hiding all these parts that the people I have in my life love the most and honor the most about me. Let’s be honest when you are at the end of your lifetime you aren’t going to look back and say “ahhhh I shouldn’t have said that” “I should have toned it down a little” “I should have been a little less”. NO NO NO. At the end of our lifetimes we will be saying “I’m so grateful I trusted myself” “I’m so happy I took the leap” “Thank you for the ones that loved me for exactly who I am”. This was the realization that switched everything for me. Live, and let live. Let people live the life they want and in return you better be living the life of your dreams!

4. Receive support. This one is so important and I cannot stress it enough. It really does take an army. Don’t be afraid to accept support, especially when people are there willing. This has been the foundation to the work I’ve done. When things got rocky, I knew where to go to be held and I always was. This can be in the form of a mentor, coach, friend, family, partner and it’s important that they support you in ways you feel supported.

5. Figure out what the fuck you want. Take action towards it. This step is important and a lot of people forget it surprisingly. I did for years. When I finally asked myself what I wanted again I had no clue because I hadn’t assessed that question in years. Some people think it’s more about being grateful for what we do have. Which I agree with but that’s only part of it if you want to live a life you absolutely love you must figure out what you want and take action towards it. You will always be shifting your wants and that’s more than okay. We must train ourselves to let ourselves have what we want. As a kid I saw my parents always giving to everyone and never giving back to themselves. They were constantly pouring from an empty cup and eventually the ones that suffered from this mentality were themselves and their family. It’s not noble to take care of everyone else and not yourself. If that’s a story you tell yourself, with love I would look at that. You may be the biggest sweetest hearted person but if you don’t give back to yourself you eventually will grow resentful, so please go after what you want.

6. Embody it. Own it. This one speaks for itself. You are embodying the life you’ve been dreaming of. You made it and now all you have to do is own it!

Initiation into Transformation

What if before we reincarnate our souls make an agreement. Maybe a certain purpose we choose to fulfill, or maybe karma we are meant to face. Whatever the case we come here with a commitment and some of us follow the call and some of us miss it. once you follow the call, you always hear it. It burns brighter when we start paying attention. Transformation is always apart of the journey. We can’t ignore it, and we shouldn’t. Resisting transformation can be painful or worse, comfortable.

The one thing everyone on the journey inward has in common is transformation. It may look beautiful and magical on the outside to be connected with yourself and the deepest parts of your soul but the truth is it took a lot, and I mean A LOT to get there. I don’t care what anyone says, any transformation is valuable and it is never usually easy.

Transformation is an interesting thing. When you are in the center of the change you may feel like everything is actually falling apart and you are on the verge of a breakdown, feeling further from your goal more than ever before. Something happens at this point just when you’re about ready to give up, and maybe that’s why transformation is hard because you do fall apart but that’s when you start coming back together. When you finally hit rock bottom and shatter into a million pieces, the only way to go is up. Parts of you may feel like you’re dying, ideas dying and feeling like “fuck now what do I do”. That’s just the beginning and we never see it in that moment but when you look back at that time it’s always a reward to see how far you’ve come.

I’ve had these moments happen all to many, you’d think I’d be an expert At getting through them by now but nope I’m still always learning and I think it will always be that way. I will always be a student to life, and I am always taught something new. I recently have connected back deeply with a few things that bring me very close to myself and have always created the most transformation in my life. Life will always be changing, and we can be settled knowing that we will always adapt as long as we don’t resist. When you find something that gets you through the tough times like working out, art, or meditating, or maybe a hobbie. We are meant to adapt but we are also meant to move through things, not stand still in fear of what change might bring. If we do choose to cling to the past it’s usually even more uncomfortable than changing would have been.

Last weeks blog I went very deep on a transformation that shifted my whole life. That was the first huge transformation I believe I went through. I grew mentally, I was getting in shape and I was growing in a spiritual way for the first time after going through a devastating change. I could get way into that story again but instead I’d like to share my last HUGE transformation.

Once again I was woke the fuck up. I lost touch of the big picture. It happens to us all. Especially if you’re a hustler, always working trying to provide for yourself and the ones you love. Two years ago I thought I was working hard but honestly I was just loving the money but I spent it like it was burning a hole in my pocket and I had no energy to do anything besides work. I was drained. I felt like crap. My body ached in places it never had before. I was hunching over and I had stopped doing the things the made me feel good. I wasn’t working out, hardly even moving my body unless I was working. As soon as I’d get off I just wanted to rest or drink some vodka or a beer. This cycle took over, without me even noticing. My nervous system felt like it was on over drive. I felt ok, but definitely not great, ever.

I was smoking weed every chance I got, and I mean every chance. Let’s just say way to much, and I love my weed still but I was doing it to the point were I was just coping, suppressing and numbing. That worked, for a while. It’s kinda my coping mechanism I go back to but I was doing just that, coping. All of my awful depression came back. Feelings of suicide even that I had in the past also. I was losing grip. I was gaining a lot of weight and not dealing with my emotions or anything for that matter.

I was just living life casually this way and then something very unexpected happened. One of my best friends passed away. He was gone, just like that. This was the person I hung out with at work, had all of my inside jokes with and long heart to hearts. He was actually one of the only ones I told I was suicidal even. He told me it was going to be ok, and I believed him. Even though he was gone I still believed him. He used to always tell me “You’re Jean Grey, you are a Phoenix my dear”. When he would say that at the time I was like what the heck does this kid mean, but when I lost him it truly meant everything to hold those words.

He was right. I am a fucking Phoenix. When you get up after you crash. When you die, and rise up from the ashes. When you have a burning light that can darken and then shine brighter than ever, you’re a Phoenix.

The Phoenix is truly a symbol of transformation. They die, and then come back to life. That’s some intense life and death shifting right there. Maybe you can look at times in your life that you were a Phoenix. Letting go, burning down everything you were can feel scary, but it can also be beautiful. It’s going to be uncomfortable at times, but some moments truly are priceless when you see how far you’ve come.

After losing my dear friend I decided to create a life that’s worth living for me, because I still had my life and I made a declaration to never take that for granted again. Since I made that declaration, life has been anything but easy and definitely some crazy unexpected things have happened but I am standing tall for what feels right to me, and I feel fucking great again, not just ok anymore. Since making that declaration I’ve lost friends, lost a job, and even lost a relationship with both of my parents but I’ve also started a blog, traveled, made deeper connections, fallen back in love with taking care of my body started my own family and even starting my own business. If I would have clung to the old how the hell would I have had space for all of these huge massive blessings?

The transformation has been long, really fucking long but when I look in the mirror I’m loving the women I am more and more everyday. I forgot what that felt like for a little while and I truly didn’t know if I’d get it back. Life will always flow with us, sometimes we must lose things for better things to form. Don’t push against the current, flow with it. If we resist we get stuck and we let life happen to us instead of for us. Transformation is tough, but make that leap, follow that call and watch everything around you change in the most beautiful epic amazing ways.

If you would like help with any of your transformations please feel free to contact me. I’m going to be opening up space to work with people 1:1 and I’d be honored to help you on your journey of transformation because honestly support has been the best tool for my transformation. I’ve never worked with a coach before last year and to see how far I’ve come has been everything and more, I can’t even put into words. I’m grateful for the people who have activated me on this journey. We aren’t meant to do this work alone, and I used to have this belief even but truly connection has been the reason for a lot of my growth! Let that transformation come through. I never thought I’d be coaching, but here we are and it feels like I’ve been called to do this. Thank you guys so much. Hope you all are hanging in there with this quarantine. This is when huge transformation is happening. We are all characters in our own movies right now going through a period of isolation. When we get out we are going to be busting out upgraded versions of ourselves who may need to get haircuts and a wax. Don’t resist the change, you got this!

Believe in What You Believe in

You choose what you believe. You get to believe what feels right to you. This is a broad and very complex subject but I’ve felt such a huge importance to express it and write a post for it. I will do my best to respect every point of view and every belief because the importance of this post is not to tell you what I believe, but to express the importance of believing in what you believe in, no matter what it is.

I’ll start with reflecting I respect any and every view. I find truth in all religions, Omnism I believe it’s called. We will all have different views and we live in a time where we have much more freedom than many ever have had before, but there are obstacles that keep us from connecting on this subject and it just comes down to thinking this view is correct or that view is better. When really what ever you believe must have truth to it because it is what resonates with you, and someone else is t wrong just because they may have a different belief. It keeps us separated thinking we have to believe the same thing to connect with others on what we believe.

I’ve been connecting with the crown chakra. This chakra is at the top of your head. It is your connection to the divine, source, creation. This energy center has the ability to give you clarity of your life and your purpose, why you are here. This month it has been my magic tool for not fearing the uncertainty. Right now we need this more than ever. TRIGGER WARNING (this post may have triggers please only read if you feel open) I have always believed in source, a higher power, or “God”. I grew up in an interesting household with parents who had very different views than I myself did. They didn’t believe in a God, or maybe they had lost touch of the relationship, what ever the case was they never spoke about what they believed, it was a subject we didn’t go very in depth on. I was very lucky in the way they told me believe what ever I want, just follow my heart. This was such a gift because they never pushed their beliefs on me and I felt the freedom to choose what it was I was going to believe in, even though I would have loved to connect with them on this I understand that wasn’t something they wanted and that was ok. Up until high school my perception of “God” was very loose, I felt it was a relationship with an angel, I prayed and definitely felt a connection. Sometime in high school my little brother started going to the Christian church down the street. I was hesitant at first but with the encouragement of my brother and our childhood friend I thought what do I have to lose. This started a chapter in my life I never saw coming. I felt like I belonged somewhere for the first time in my life. I loved the singing the praising and I loved connecting with people who had similar beliefs that I did. I felt safe, maybe the first time in my life. Even though Christianity is no longer what I believe in I will always hold this time and this religion close, I still believe the religion has many truths (as do most religions to me) but overall it was no longer my truth. I really did get saved at that point in my life. The questionable road I was once headed down with the wrong crowd was now in the distance. I had guidance for the first time in my life. I felt I had something watching over me, like a love I never had before. A trust was formed with something higher and a trust was formed with myself.

The years went on, my first boyfriend was the new relationship I was focusing on. I was losing the relationship I built with “God” everyday and I grew more and more distant from myself. I didn’t believe in religion anymore, or at least I was heavily questioning it at this point. I was on this dark path again, the one I thought I escaped. The months turned into years and I had no idea what I believed in or how to get back to where I was. I lost my first apartment, had to move back in with the parents and we all know how terrible that feels. I was losing everything around me and then I got pregnant…. the last thing I could deal with at that time. I knew the relationship I had was so toxic at the time and if I made the choice to be a young mom I would be doing it alone. Without the support of the dad, and my family I knew what I had to do and even though it was the hardest choice I could barely take care of myself and I knew I couldn’t take care of a baby. After getting an abortion I knew Christianity wasn’t an option for me anymore and honestly I didn’t want it to be. I went into a dark depression. My family was distant, they treated me like I was a disease. I lost everything and everyone, but I could still feel a guidance like the one I had before, it was faint but very present. I thought I was getting back up on my feet but the pain was still so strong. I felt disgusted by myself. I hated the choice I made and I hated myself. The only thought I had of God was “there’s no way God has time to love such a screw up like me”. I was having suicidal feelings more and more as the days went on. I felt like I had no reason to be there, no drive and no motivation to pick up all the broken pieces that were shattered. Having no one to talk to was hard so I went to my mom, I thought if anyone could love me right now it’s her. I was wrong. Maybe she loved me but she sure didn’t make it any better, actually a lot worse. That was the last conversation I was maybe deciding to have. I told her how broken I was and told her I didn’t know how to move on. She told me “you made this choice now live with it”. That’s the last thing you should tell someone who is suicidal. I rushed upstairs thinking no, actually I don’t have to live with this, I can make it end right now. I reached for the bottom drawer of my nightstand where I had some pain pills left. I poured all 8 out and right before I was about to take them, my bible caught my attention. It was also in that drawer and hadn’t been touched in years. I knew I was suppose to read it right in that moment and I can’t recall exactly what page I landed on but it was the page I needed. The words that saved me on a whole other level. It was so divine. That passage spoke to me, I felt forgiven and I felt like everything I went through was going to make me stronger for the purpose I was put here to fulfill, and even though it felt unbearable, I was going to be ok because I was meant to carry on. I am still brought to tears looking back at this time because I am so grateful I decided not to give up. It wasn’t because of my friends, it wasn’t because the guy I was with, not my parents or family and not even myself. It was because there was a higher power watching over me. I was guided through that extremely painful time in my life and I want the same for every single person on this planet to be held when they are lost, broken and ready to give up. It doesn’t have to look like religion, it doesn’t have to be “awkward” having a connection you can’t necessarily see. It can be the a light in the darkness. Hope when you think there is nothing left to hope for. This relationship saved my life, and still does. If you are breathing you have a purpose. I wasn’t aware of this before but now it’s hard to ignore.

For most of human existence we have had an imbalance between the logical and the intuitive. Logic has run our lives, and the world. We have been in this masculine energy for far to long, neglecting our creativity, our souls and even our emotions. Logic has been great for our world, don’t get me wrong. Technology has grown, cities and so much more, but we have become detached to what we believe. Logic won’t save you when your life is crashing down into pieces around you. Logic won’t be the thing that keeps you going when everything else says give up. That inner knowing, that inner guidance will get you past anything, every time. God is everywhere. God is everything. I’ve been terrified to share these parts of myself but it’s such a huge part ever since I went through that dark time. It’s still what gets me through every dark time. I know not everyone will have the same view as me and that kept me quite for most of my life. I am starting to see it’s not about pushing our beliefs, it’s not about “saving” someone. It’s about creating connection. At the end of the day all of us just want something to believe in, especially in these uncertain times. Some of us have hidden it and some of us have shoved it down so far that we haven’t asked ourselves what we believe in a long time. This is our chance to reconnect with our truths. We all are going to have different beliefs but that doesn’t mean we should stop sharing these important parts of ourselves. This world is so beautiful and the people I have shared my story with I appreciate so much. They reflect back the beauty of love, connection and source. Thank you all so much for letting me share my story. We all have this life force energy inside and we are alive. What a fucking gift. Thank you so much for holding space for this post, and thank you for being apart of this world at this very time. We are ALL here to make a difference and you are here for a reason. Trust and accept this. If you’d like to go deeper in any of this or anything you’re going through please reach out. Thank you guys!

Trusting Yourself is Everything

This journey is long, the journey to self. It can be a lonely journey. It can be hard, but the one thing that will make the long, lonely hard moments easier is trust. Not only trusting God/Source/Universe and what is unfolding but trusting in ourselves.

Why is trusting ourselves everything? It just is, because when there is no where to turn we turn inward and we find comfort in the uncomfortable. When we feel doubt we are not connected to source or ourselves.

You’ve gotten through so much shit in your life, and why were you able to? One word, you. Trust that everything you’ve been through has gotten you to this point and you can continue to get through anything that comes your way. You’ve proven it time and time again, you can overcome obstacles in your life you thought you might not make it though. Right?

Intuition has lead me at different points in my life but when things do get overwhelming you better believe I don’t go to my friends, or to my parents or even to mentors, right away at least. All of those people can lead you to the right answer but truly only you know what the right answer is. We are all different and we get our answers from different sources but turning inward and standing firm in trusting yourself is so important. When you turn inward a trust is formed and it grows stronger every time you listen.

A few years ago I thought I was set. My life was looking better than it even had. I was in my early twenties with an office job that was a secure job and gave me a set schedule, better pay than I ever had and benefits. Just bought my first car had my own apartment and everything felt stable but not what I was definitely not doing what I was passionate about.

Everyday I went to work dragging there even though I was so grateful for the job that’s really all it was to me was a job. I spent a lot of my time there dreaming of my future and where I wanted to travel to and how I really wanted my life to look. I was obsessed with energetic healing and chakras but hid that part of me away from the world especially the office workers and doctors I worked with. They probably would have thought I was nuts to even believe in any of that woo woo, but I knew that healing was my calling not answering phones and making appointments.

The months went on and things were changing and I felt the shifts. The company was sold to a big corporate office and the place and the work was getting more unbearable. One day, I had a pit in my stomach that felt like anxiety and fear. My manager was unimpressed by my work and said I better improve and fast. She was always that worker that tried to make everyone else feel like they were worthless just because she felt like she did so much work for the company and it was all very passive aggressive. Before I ramble about how terrible the treatment was there I felt this nudge inward, to leave and give my notice to her right in that moment.

I was terrified. What would I do for work? How would I pay my rent? Would I have to get rid of my car? fear penetrated through my body but I knew leaving was what was meant for me. I could have held on and “gotten better” at the job but I learned something way more valuable that day. I was never going to accept less than what I was worth, and even if it was not being appreciated by my boss that was enough for me to move on. I found 2 new jobs and had to hustle a little but I was provided for and I met so many amazing people after leaving that job. Even though the money was much less and the hours were very inconsistent I was so much more happy. I trusted that gut instinct and to this day I know that was a huge moment for me. That was when I started trusting myself and I knew I would always have the right answer if I just trusted.

When we are disconnected from our inner compass every choice feels scary. About 2 year ago I became very untrusting to the world, and myself. This was long after leaving the office job. A huge part me of was broken from being so disrespected. I told you the story of when I trusted myself and I felt so empowered even though I was scared. A time when I didn’t trust myself happened very quickly. One moment I was feeling my best and the next I felt very weak and very scared. Without a single place to feel safe. Have you ever felt that way? Here’s a time when I didn’t trust myself and it was a really hard time of my life. One night I went out with a friend after working on some school projects. We went downtown for a few drinks and some dancing. My friend went outside for what I thought was only a minute. I was on my second drink and felt fine. That was the last thing I remember. I woke up in my bed with no recollection of what happened. I felt violated. Sadly I shoved this down and blamed myself. I lost my trust. I didn’t protect myself. I wasn’t there for myself. I became more and more detached the next year, because when we don’t deal with our pain it manifests in other ways. Finally everything had gotten so dark and cold I had no where to turn. So I came back to what I knew always got me through every challenge I’ve come across. I turned inward. It wasn’t pretty awful hard work facing all the inner demons I had been ignoring for so long now but I reconnected with myself, and I found my trust again. For the longest time I didn’t feel safe in my body, and I could easily detach or numb myself with weed and alcohol. When I turned inward and surrendered to the pain I was carrying I felt a stillness. That even though it wasn’t ok right now, I could trust it would be now that I had myself again. I was safe in my body again.

When we are disconnected from ourselves we are disconnected to the realization that all of the answers are there and we just have to listen. If you feel a disconnection to yourself that’s alright, just find a way to connect back. This will look different for everyone maybe you are an artist who needs to connect back with your art, maybe you’re someone who loves taking care of their body and you just need to connect back to your favorite workout, maybe you connect with yourself through yoga or moving your body through dance. Maybe you just need to rest to connect back to your energy. What ever you need to do to connect back, listen. Trust that you already know exactly what you need. I’ve been pausing and I’ve been needing extra self care and instead of making myself feel guilty for not doing more work I rest and pamper myself and then the creation flows after, and it wouldn’t have been able to unless I took a moment and listened to what I needed.

This has been a gift. Trust is easy when everything is going right but when you can trust yourself when everything is crumbling down around you, this is a treasure. A feeling of gold, that no matter what happens you’re going to be ok because you know you have this inner guidance. Even when fear is present you have the trusting that everything will be alright. Listen, and accept what your trying to tell yourself. Maybe it’s time to leave that job, maybe it’s time to take a leap in your relationship, maybe it’s time to move Or maybe it’s time to take a nap. What ever you’re being told inside, do it. You won’t regret trusting yourself.

Accepting yourself

I would love to say I came out of the womb accepting myself, but that’s just not true. Maybe as children we all accept ourselves or maybe we came here with prejudgments. I’m not sure where it starts but I know it can be there very harshly for some of us and maybe even stay with us most of our lives.

I can honestly say I’ve struggled with accepting myself and it’s been a bit worse at times than others. If I would have had my acceptance, life would have been a lot better. I’m not sure when or why I started bashing on myself so much but it became familiar to me as a kid. I’m glad I learned different ways of having a relationship with myself.

So how do we shift from self judgment to self acceptance?

My journey of self hatred was what I just thought was life early on. I saw my parents hide themselves and hate who they were. I learned self hate from them. Even though I’m sure they didn’t know they had this relationship with themselves, it poured into all their other relationships. They had very little self love and even love for others and as a child I didn’t understand but the older I grew the more those thoughts and hardships became my own also. I was convinced this was all life had and maybe I’d never have a healthy relationship with myself and maybe that would just have to be ok. As long as everyone else was okay, I was okay. Sound familiar?

The universe had a different plan for me. I was not going to settle with that idea that life was happening to me and I had no control over my thoughts and life. I started learning how to shift my unhealthy behaviors into powerful transformations and healthy behaviors. I started loving myself and all my little quirks. I finally felt self love for the first time and it wasn’t the selfish love my mom told me about all my life. That maybe others convinced you was selfish if you did what you want. No, it was a path that led me to loving my life and loving the person I was and in loving myself I was able to love the people around me more. My wants and needs mattered to me and I was able to shift out of a perspective that taking care of myself was selfish. Everything was coming together just like that but I ran into a problem. I was still hiding, only showing parts I knew people would like. Even though I loved my quirks I still didn’t accept them, and I thought others wouldn’t and couldn’t accept me so I fit back into the box. I was missing acceptance and I thought I’d find it anywhere but inside, but that was exactly where it was.

Some of us have been convinced we don’t fit in. I believe it’s amazing to be “different” or not fit in but what if those traits that make you stand out are your gifts and talents and you’ve taught yourself “SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN” “fit into the box” “don’t be too much” “they won’t like you”. All of this negative self talk can be traumatizing especially if it’s your constant inner dialogue. It might even show up subconsciously which could mean you’re being effected without even knowing what is effecting you. Making decisions or taking actions that didn’t make sense why you would shut down or even project in different ways. This showed up a lot through my high school years and even college and I had no idea this was a pattern for me.

I thought I was accepting myself all this time but really I was just showing parts I thought others would accept until this last year. I made a declaration to always accept myself and fully show up in my radiating quirks no matter who I am around. This has not been easy. After hiding parts of me for so long it felt terrifying to show the world my soul. Even after stepping fully into this version of myself I had to let a lot of people go, and that is ok. I learned it’s more important to accept yourself rather than being what others want you to be. Even if people can’t accept the full you, or maybe they benefit from you sitting in silence afraid to express yourself. Just because they don’t accept you doesn’t mean you can’t. You can, and you can accept every single part.

You can choose you, and you can choose you over everyone and everything else. I was taught different but I knew it didn’t feel right to only show parts of myself to the world. SO I FINALLY CHOSE ME. I will never fit into a box for the people I work with, I will never hide certain emotions to make everyone comfortable and I will never hide parts of me to please someone else. As soon as you have this realization, trust me it will change everything.

When we learn to accept ourselves we give others the permission to shine in their light and accept themselves also.

It’s time to respect yourself, admire yourself, love yourself and accept yourself. After all we are at our most beautiful energy when we are in acceptance.

Fully in acceptance

When is it time to move on?

Endings can be devastating. It can be scary to start something new, but most of all saying goodbye to something you’ve been familiar to can feel like your losing apart of yourself. You thought that job would last but now you hate it, you thought that person was “the one” and the relationship starts to weigh on you. When is it time to move on to the next chapter?

I don’t know about you but I’m not very good at goodbyes. I’m getting better at them, and this hasn’t been easy. This has been on my heart this week, many of us are going through a chapter ending even if it’s just a few weeks out of work staying home.

As human beings we go through many life and death cycles in our lifetime. When a part of our life is coming to an end we may feel the need to cling to what we know. So how do we know when it is time to let go?

I’ve learned that when it is time to say goodbye everything around you starts pointing you in that direction. New opportunities come up, old responsibilities become routine and mundane, maybe things around you are changing and pushing you out, maybe things become unbearable. Whatever the case you feel an ending coming and it might be impossible to ignore. Endings come in the form of leaving a job, moving from a house you’ve lived in, relationships coming to an end or changing. You could fall into an ego death where everything feels like it’s changing around you including who you once were and your identity.

Usually when we are unable to let go when it is time to move on things start getting crazy almost like it’s slapping you in the face “bitch, what are you doing it’s time to move on” very unapologetically usually.

When we resist problems start popping up left and right. This brings me back to last year when I was still working as a server/waitress. For months I felt a nudge inside to leave that job. My favorite coworkers were getting new jobs, the money was not flowing consistently, and worst of all I began to hate everyday, every shift and every second it became harder to not lose my shit when things were imploding from the inside out. Oh and another thing someone was stealing from workers there (of course it was another worker). Two of my credit cards were stolen, and at least $40 more but had no proof. I could go on for hours of how bad it was getting but I truly didn’t even know where I would go if I left so I stayed. I resisted change and can you guess what happened?

If you guessed it all fell apart, you’re right. The last night I had there I wrote in my phone “this isn’t a job this is torture” going on with my complains of how aggressive and abusive my managers had been (I guess they were feeling the shifts also) the next day I was notified the restaurant was on fire. I knew this was the ending of this period of my life, but I finally had to move on in a forced feeling way. It was actually a huge blessing that helped me move on.

When there is an ending around the corner it is inevitable and extremely uncomfortable but trust that door closing. On the other side is what you need. I didn’t know losing that job would influence me to start a business but I knew there is no way I want to do what I was doing. I didn’t know what the outcome was but I had to trust and I’m so grateful I did. I’ve gotten to heal my nervous system from being in flight or fight everyday, I’ve traveled, I’ve met new open minded people, started a blog and so much more. That ending brought me the ability to create the reality I was wanting.

Goodbyes can be difficult. I’ve dealt with all endings differently, some come naturally, some feel like I’m holding on with every last grip fearing even the thought of letting go, but something always guides me into the right direction I believe.

If we are chasing things, those things are running from us. Why wouldn’t we run into the direction of things meant for us?

The things that light your soul on fire is WHY YOU ARE HERE. You didn’t come here to pay bills and die after living a somewhat nice life. No, you came here to set your life on fire reach your fullest potential, use the gifts you were given by God/Source/Universe, love, play, and create. Not work at a place you hate or a situation less than what you want or even an okay relationship. Money shouldn’t be the thing guiding us, that’s a whole other topic we will get into another time but sadly it’s what guides a lot of our choices. You can be scared, and most likely you will be filled with fear. That means you are doing something right because on the other side of the things we fear is everything we’ve ever imagined for ourselves, even better.

Letting go is hard but we don’t have to cling to what is not meant for us, we must let it go in the best way we can, because if we are holding onto things not meant for us how will we find the things that are?

Meditation is Medicine

“The body benefits from movement, and the mind benefits from stillness”

Sakyong Mipham

We hear it everywhere mindset is everything. Mindset helps you set goals and achieve them. It can get you past hard times in your life and even better it can create shifts in your life that before you never knew were possible like go from making minimum wage to making millions. It all comes back to mindset. So how do you get a better mindset if you have a shitty one. Work. Lots and lots of work. Well at least for me it has been a huge uphill battle to change out of my lack mindset, some people can just realize the potential and release the conditioning of their mind, but most people have a practice or a form of exercise or an outlet to keep their minds strong. Mine has been meditation.

Meditation and I have had an interesting relationship. I’ve had a meditation practice for about 6 years now. It has been a journey to find medicine for calming my mind. Some people love yoga, some relieve stress with walking or running or just talking to someone who understands. These are all forms of natural stress relievers. I enjoy all of these and many more but honestly nothing has helped me the way meditation has. Different times in our lives call for different attention, but I come to find I always appreciate all of the benefits of meditation every season of my life. Although sometimes I do lean on it more and sometimes I fail to practice mediation has been there for me.

I could give you a list of why meditation is so powerful but I’d rather tell you my personal journey with it and how it has changed my life. I started meditating in my early twenties. My whole life I looked like the happy one with everything “together” but honestly I was a mess on the inside. I cried, a lot all of high school and didn’t really even know what a healthy mindset was. As long as everything looked okay on the outside I thought everything was fine.

When I couldn’t hold on any longer I lost control of my behavior and everything, and I mean everything felt like it was collapsing around me. I just ended a relationship, actually my first serious relationship. I was at a job that was pushing me to my breaking point and I had just been kicked out of my first apartment(by the leasing office) , and back to my parents house I went with no plan, no purpose and no hope.

I wish I could say this was my rock bottom, but it wasn’t. I hit harder and faster than I ever planned or could have imagined. I will go deeper into the particular trauma I endured but at a later time. All you need to know right now was I hit a wall of desperation. I hit rock bottom, and I never knew it was a place I’d be experiencing only at the age of 19. We all have a different rock bottom, but I’m sure a lot of us feel alone, unworthy, and even like there might not be anything to save you or pick you back up from that dark bottom.

Religion had been a safe place for me for a few years but at that time when I was at rock bottom I didn’t believe in myself, in religion or even in a God or a higher power. I fell so low and I felt all of the emotions coming out like explosions, one right after the other.

So where do you go when you feel like the world is caving in around you and you have nothing left to believe in, you go inward. At least that’s what saved me. I started to just focus on my breathe when everything felt like it was to much, and little by little I wasn’t drowning anymore.

When I realized I had everything inside of me all along. I had a life force still. I had my breath still, I had purpose still. I felt safe. Clarity came in moments. Sometimes relief, and sometimes forgiveness. So many heavy emotions were finally manageable for me, I felt healed. I knew meditation was the medicine I had been looking for. It helped me find peace, recreated my mindset into a strong powerful one, it helped build my weak immune system, it relaxed the constant tension in my body, it restored my nervous system, gave me confidence, healed me in so many emotional ways and even gained clarity with my intuition.

I didn’t start meditating like a spiritual guru in a temple. I started in my bed, where I felt safe. My breath saved me, and it still does to this day. We all start differently but if you ever want to start a meditation practice just do what feels right. Don’t judge yourself if you can’t clear your mind. Some days I still struggle with this, but it always shows me what I need to be shown, and that is a gift. Regardless if meditation is for you I hope you take the time out of your schedule to relieve some stress. Give yourself attention you deserve it!

Are you taking care of what is important?

No one knows the answer to this question “are you taking care of what you should be” except you, yourself.

You know what your needs are, and another person really doesn’t know what you need. You know if you need rest, you know if you need affection, you know when you need to take action and you know what you want. Where I am going with this is: Are you taking care of yourself? Because let’s be honest, YOU ARE WHATS IMPORTANT. As a society we have been extremely detached to the idea of taking care of ourselves. Some have the belief that taking care of ourselves is selfish. I’m not one with this belief but I grew up with parents that had this implanted in them so I was raised in this manner but found it very confusing the older I got. Everyone came before them. At work at home and in every part of their lives. I could tell my parents truly worked hard but they weren’t living a life they loved. They coped anyway they could, and I didn’t understand how could they make everything else more important than themselves? Until I also became a version of this. People pleasing, doing anything I could not to upset anyone. Walking on eggshells and thinking I was doing it for this person and that person when actually I was just living out behaviors of not taking care of myself, not listening to what I really needed in each moment.

In my twenties I had to re learn what it meant to take care of myself. My parents have been one of my greatest teachers in this because I truly think we all deserve to live our life the way we want and need, and they showed me the result if we do not take responsibility we lose ourselves trying to please everyone. I had to learn how to set boundaries and not do everything for everyone at any given moment they needed. I had to teach myself the importance of alone time and recovering from the energy we absorb and transfer everyday. I hate to admit it but I even had to learn how to let myself have things I wanted because this was something I saw repeatedly from my parents, not letting themselves have what they really wanted. They taught me you lose yourself if you don’t take care of yourself. Although this was a hard lesson it gave me so much purpose, and trust me I’ve had to re learn and re live it many times. It is sad when we see people we love neglecting their needs but altimitly it is our responsibility to do what we need for our selves. Otherwise we form codependent behaviors.

We are human beings and we all have needs that are meant to be met. We must listen. My parents might not have wanted to take care of themselves but they showed me their way of life and I knew there had to be more, so I’ve dedicated my life to taking care of myself and letting myself have everything I want. The alternative I have tried and sometimes even go back to in moments of weakness, and I believe the thoughts like maybe you’ll never have what you want, maybe you’ll never have your dream home, your dream career or the family you’ve always wanted, but then I remember everything I want is already mine. I can have the biggest dreams and make them all a reality.

Life is to short to stay somewhere you are comfortable. I want a spicy life, a passionate love, a luxurious lifestyle and anything else my heart desires! Some people still want to believe they have no control or say of how their life goes, but we all have opinions, I couldn’t keep surrounding myself with this truth so I changed it. If I would have stayed closed off to the possibilities of what I could make of my life I’d probably still be at a job I hated, and living a life that didn’t have purpose. I gave that life up for a better one. One that I am proud of and excited to wake up everyday. We can be strong and go after the things we want or we can start the next season on Netflix or come up with another excuse as to why we aren’t taking care of what’s important. It’s your choice, and you get to let your life look exactly how you want.

There are two kinds of people in this world, the ones that make excuses or the ones that make a way. You can’t be in the middle, so which one are you?

Do things that make you feel fucking alive. Be with people who show you love. Take the leap into your dreams, no one else is going to do it for you. You deserve your attention, more than anyone. Figure out what you want and be brave enough to go live it and love it.

Thank you beautiful souls for reading! If you’d like to dive deeper send me an email. Now, go give yourself attention queen/king.