The Importance of Speaking Your Truth

We get this one life, this one body and this one voice.

Only you have your voice. Only you have your gifts. Only you have your heart. You get to share with the world, all of that. What a disservice it would be to hide in the background of our lives. I feel like I’m talking to a mirror, because this has been quite the struggle for me, in different parts of my life. Every time I relearn this lesson; to speak my truth, I am blown away.

First, let’s discuss how much holding back what you have to say hurts you and your growth. Have you ever really wanted to say something to someone and instead of speaking you shut your mouth and kept it all to yourself? Think about how this made you feel. You might have even had regrets of not saying what you wanted. What if you could have inspired someone with the words you held back? When we hold back blocks in our energy appear. Obviously in relationships we have to share, but when that doubt comes back up and we close off to what we could have or should have said we start to hold back in our relationships and in many other unnoticeable areas of our lives, and this is when pain is created, in the body, your mind, and your life.

Have you ever told yourself “I’m just gonna close myself off and not share because I might say the wrong thing or make someone uncomfortable.” I did this what felt like my whole life. This is personal to me but I am happy to share because this was something I really struggled with. You see I haven’t always been this open. When I was growing up I had two parents who were keeping a very big secret from everyone. They were struggling with alcoholism and I was struggling trying to understand why my family was so dysfunctional and why we had so many secrets. I loved them, and still do even though we could not stay in each others lives I have accepted this was not fair and I always deserved to speak my truth even if it was not my disease I held it like it was my secret to keep. The only one I talked to about it was my brother until I was 17 years old, I finally fell apart at the seems. The abuse I endured and the neglect all poured out of me. The secret I kept for all that time bursted out of me, and in not such pretty ways. As soon as I opened up, my healing began. Everything started making sense finally, and even though it was messy I was so grateful I could finally speak of what was hurting me for so long. Part of me thinks my parents couldn’t handle my truth because they were still in denial about how much this really affected my brother and I as children. I had to learn the heartbreaking way that speaking up for myself was more important than holding on to a broken relationship that they didn’t think needed fixing. When you do something out of love, you’re never wrong. I can love them from a distance but I couldn’t go one more day of not loving myself in that way of keeping quite.

We have a right to freedom of speech, but if we do not let ourselves have the permission to speak our truth in the first place we lose ourselves. I’ve learned that when you do start standing in your truth it makes people uncomfortable but you’re not here to make anyone comfortable. I had to learn this and from conditioning I still am learning. This world isn’t always going to be sweet like honey but when we stop saying the things our soul wants and needs we are neglecting our selves and our dreams.

The people who aren’t meant to be apart of your journey will slowly or maybe rapidly fade away when you stand in your truth. This even happened to me recently when I decided I wanted to share my healing experiences and make a purpose out of it a lot of friends faded out very intensely and I think that’s what set me back for a little even because I was so afraid to be real with them how the fuck was I going to share this with the world? I had to take a look at why I was doing this all in the first place. FOR ME. Because this is what I’m passionate about even if no one understands, it’s not for them. I stopped needing the validation because I wasn’t doing it for anyone else but myself and that’s when it felt like a fire was roaring inside I couldn’t tame it and I cut people out who made it harder for me to stand in my truth, passion and purpose. If I would have been being myself the whole time maybe they wouldn’t have thought all my energy and chakra healing and all that woo woo would be so weird to them. Honestly I’m glad that I lost those friends because I never felt supported by them and when I opened up to new relationships and the supportive ones I did have, I became myself more and more and more. Support will come and it will be better then you ever had when you weren’t truly being yourself.

We are all born with a purpose, and with a passion. Most don’t rise above the norm, but we are in a different era. The norm is not the norm anymore and your going to repel some people when you embody your full purpose but we have an opportunity to connect with more people who do get us. Don’t be afraid to find your people, it’s scary but there’s nothing like a glow you get from standing in your full radiating power and being supported and loved in it.

I believe we are all born with creativity, but as we get older we learn to shut our creativity off and try to “fit in” with everyone else. Lets put that to rest! It all starts with you. Speak your truth, no one else has your voice and the world needs to hear what you have to say.

Thank you for reading if you’d like to connect don’t be shy maybe we are apart of each other’s tribe.

Embodiment

When you think of the person you want to be in your life, what do you think of?

Is it safe to take action to be this person? What if you can’t? What if you’re fear takes over……

When we question and doubt our abilities or who we can be or even who we are, we automatically become small in the face of our big dreams. Have you ever wanted something and you were the only thing standing in your way. Maybe a loving relationship you can’t open up to, maybe a promotion or pay raise you’ve been waiting for.

How exactly do we get to that point where we step into that power and not just something we are aching to have? I am truly still finding the answer to this, but I have found that when we step into the embodiment of that thing whether it be love, wealth, or even something like a new home (which is what I’ve been aching for). When we vibrate at the frequency of what we want we are that much closer. What you can’t do is play victim and act like everything is happening to you instead of for you. In times of darkness all we want to do is leave it all, but what if there is a valuable lesson at the end of all that fear and discomfort?

Over a year now I’ve been in this unshakable pattern of struggling to move forward. I feel stuck, even though I know I am never stuck, shaking this feeling has been anything but easy. If I could put my finger on one issue I would have solved all of my problems by now as to why I’m still in the state I’ve lived my entire life, but that is not the case. I love my home town but new places are calling me. I never expected struggling with depression would make me feel so stuck for so long. This was never my plan, and the longer I have stayed the harder it has been to face the fears, the doubt, and the lack of motivation. Every time I saved enough money something came up that stopped me from going somewhere new. Every time I got enough courage to just start over doubt kept me quite. I was afraid to embody a life I really wanted. I thought after seeing my parents struggle for so long, I’d have to struggling to make any of my dreams come true. I am starting to question all of the fears finally instead of myself. How can something be so powerful it keeps you from fulfilling your purpose? The answer is because you are giving the fear, the doubt and the pain power, your power. As soon as I said I’m going to be this version of myself I need. The person I wanted to be was inside me all along, I just had to give myself permission to fully embody who I am. Think about what you want, without judgment or limitations. This is already you. What do you have right now in this moment that gets your energy forced on that vibration of love, inspiration and creativity or that thing you really want? Embody the love you want. Embody the style you want. Embody the life you want. The dreams you are dreaming are coming your way if you let them. If you let it be true the abundance you are dreaming of is already yours, let it come to you. Trust and believe what is meant for you will always come to you.

Reclaim Your Power

I’ve been thinking about this blog post for days. Every time I choose something to write about it shows up in my life so unapologetically. This post was harder because I realize how much I still give away my power at times.

If you are like me you’ve been a peace maker most of your life, maybe since you were a child or maybe you’re a people pleaser (no shame, it’s actually a trauma response and honestly not your fault). I like to make everyone happy, but that usually takes away from my happiness. Don’t get me wrong it’s amazing to support the people around you but sometimes when you are struggling or going through shifts it’s better to take a step back and listen to what you need and not what everyone else needs. So how do you know when you are giving your power away? This can show up in many forms. Lying or not speaking your truth, blaming everything or everyone around you or neglecting simple needs you have. For me when I am giving my power away is when I disconnect from what I am feeling and try to feel what everyone else is. Call me a hopeless empath but I am learning not everyone’s energy needs to be absorbed or even observed.

When you reclaim your power life starts making sense again. The easiest way to take your power back, which some of us lose sight of sometimes (I know I do) is by taking responsibility for your life. Take responsibility for your choices. This is your life and when it all falls apart you know who is gonna recreate it and put it back together….. YOU. If you are stuck in a cycle of blame, just know that is a choice. If you hate your life just know that is your choice. If you are depending off substances or relationships to get by, it’s all your choice. I say this with love because I’ve been there. Anything that would just get me through the day, the week or the month. I’ve given up more times than I’d like to admit, but I am here and all I can do is take responsibility for ALL OF IT. Do you surround yourself with people who don’t see you? It’s not fun at all and that’s probably the least empowering feeling, you don’t deserve that, no one does. I gave my power away and felt like the people around me didn’t want me. I sunk into a deep depression and no one even really could tell. I knew I didn’t belong at the job I was at, you might feel this same resistance in parts of your life. Getting better is a choice. Loving your life is a choice. Surrounding yourself with people who truly support you is a choice. You have all of the power inside of you that you could ever possibly need. Stop giving it away. I want to celebrate the people who know how epic they are and stand in there strength. The more we stand in our purpose the more people get to see that shift in themselves. This world is always expanding. Sending you all love and light, and I hope you’re ready to step into your magic if you’re not already because honey you DESERVE THE LIFE YOU DESIRE!

The sisterhood wound

Why are women always so against each other? As a woman who has suffered from this sisterhood wound (without even having any sisters) I know it is a very real thing. We get this idea early on that girls are evil, manipulative and untrustworthy. In most cases we are proven right again and again as we navigate our way through life. Even the amazing relationships always seemed to fall apart sooner or later. Some ended so traumatically we promise to never open up to a relationship like that again. My awful relationships started when I was young, my mother was my worst enemy or best friend sometimes. She tore me down when she felt jealousy but was the woman I looked up to most sadly. So where does this wound come from? We all have a different answer.

When I first realized I had a major problem with women relationships I was in high school. The three girls I had been close to basically my whole life turned my world upside down. They made up nasty rumors and told me off the day I got my braces on even, omg talk about humiliating. The worst part one of them was still my friend but in front of the other two girls she would pretend she also hated me, every day was torture. I’m not innocent at all , but I never wanted any of that pain. We were all awful to each other in different ways. MySpace and social media was just coming out and I got a first look at online bullying from one of the girls. School was the worst though. I’d come home crying most days and that pain stayed with me for years, sometimes I feel I’m still healing from it but it’s my choice to choose to see the beauty in connections with other women and instead of projecting I have chosen to be aware. I have forgiven the girls involved and I have forgiven myself but the question still stuck how was it so easy for all of us to hurt each other so deeply. Why was this pain in all of my female relationships.

When we feel unsafe in our relationships it brings out the worst in us. The only answer is to take responsibility for our actions and our lives. I choose to have loving relationships with everyone in my life. This doesn’t mean everything is perfect in my female relationships now but I choose to choose people who choose me. Those girls in high school never chose me or themselves, I wasn’t choosing myself and I didn’t feel loved, something I carried into my adult relationships. Forgiveness was for myself and it’s the only thing that truly gave me closure and the ability to have nurturing relationships in the present. I’ll always hold those three girls close to my heart because of the harsh lessons I learned from them. I am healing through even more trauma I have been through with women this was just one example of how awful girls can be to each other. Even a few years ago I had a manager tell me I needed to wear more makeup because it looked like I just rolled out of bed……….. UGH and yes I’m human so of course I second guess my beauty and my wholeness without makeup, she probably also felt that way and she projected it onto me. We shouldn’t put each other down, EVER. I’m tired of not taking a stand next time a woman tells me some bullshit like that I am going to truly stand up for myself, I’ve been embodying this goddess who is declaring she is taking up space, I will live the way that makes sense to me. This world is rough, not everyone will support you. That’s why I choose not to be around women who put other women down. I am lifting my ladies up and that’s why I must surround myself with women who lift me up. For all of the women I once had a toxic relationships with, I am sorry. For all of the women who lifted me up when I didn’t know what a healthy female connection was, thank you. Your love means everything to the woman I am becoming. I am so grateful for every lady who has been in my life. There is always space to heal. If you’re ready to connect with high vibe activating women open up to the healing, shoot me a message if you’d like to share your journey of relationships with women. Thank you so much for reading, stay blessed soul fam.

Getting Grounded

This body is a gift. I am connected to this world, and I belong. It’s beautiful what a little bit of grounding and balance can bring into your life, but when trauma happens in our lives, it can be easy to disconnect from our bodies and feel the opposite of belonging. We may feel unsafe or all together like we are constantly feeling in flight or fight mode. Anxiety might constantly be present, or a heaviness in our body we can’t escape. I’ve been connecting deeply with my root chakra or my foundation to my life if you aren’t familiar with chakras. What this has brought into my life has been magic. Our roots connect us to this earth, why we are here and what our purpose is. This is the energy that holds our financial blockages, our family traumas and of course the connection we feel to our bodies and this world.

Story time. Two years ago I experienced a trauma. I was roofied at a night club when I was 24 years old. I still don’t know how it happened or why it happened but I do know I felt unsafe for so long in my own body from that night. Never did I ever think something like this could happen to me. I’d go into detail but I have absolutely no recollection. I woke up in my bed wondering what the hell happened. I “got lucky” nothing bad happened, I was saved by a friend that knew something was off. I still felt every bit of trauma being so out of control. I was scared this happened so easily. I felt unsafe but for to long acted like everything was ok. I disconnected from my body. I felt awful, all of the time. I was very anxious when I’d go anywhere and I was tired of feeling that way finally. I have healed so much since that night two years ago but this last month I realize a lot of blocked energy was in my root chakra from this experience. Anxiety isn’t something we should live with. Fear for our lives is not something we should tolerate. Fuck those people who put fear in us but we have to take our power back any way we can. For me it has been reclaiming my body and connecting back to my chakras even if the healing is heavy. I’ve been clearing out this energy and it’s been extremely important. Grounding ourselves brings ease back to life. Life should be lived, not survived. Take your body back, take your life back.

Get out of survival mode

We are programmed at a young age to learn the ways of “life”. Go to school, get a job, have a family and retire. That never made sense to me, and what made even less sense was my parents coming home everyday miserable from a job they hated. Was that just the way? I wondered. Would my life look like theirs? I felt lack and a saw lack. As we get older, at least for me I eventually gave in to survival mode being the way to live. Ever since I was a teenager I’ve always been nervous about where will my next meal come from, how will I pay this bill or that bill, basically questioning every dollar I spend and feeling a piece of me break anytime I’d reach for my wallet.

This was my life the last 10 years. I am working hard to change my ways, each day is different with my changing relationship towards money. We have to break the cycle. Unlearn the uncomfortable things we felt towards money growing up and take back our abundant powerful lives. What if you had everything you needed? Would you still feel like you’re lacking? My answer before was yes, I’m always lacking, I never will have enough and I will have to work for every penny that comes into my life. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Money is energy, like everything else. The more you look at money as the enemy it will run even further from you. We must step into a space of gratitude. Be grateful for the gas in your car, be grateful for the groceries you were able to buy this week. Be grateful for the quarter you find on the ground even! Watch you finances multiply, feel less anxiety when you pay your bills for the month. It’s all about trusting that God/ source/ universe/ will always provide for the vibration we are transmitting. We get to choose how our lives feel but even more we must take action to live our lives the way we want instead of living paycheck to paycheck. This is a journey, just like life, there’s no rush. Be grateful for this life and all of the wealth flowing to you now, once you tap into living you’ll never want to go back to surviving.

Transformation

As Humans, we are always changing and evolving. If we do not change we don’t grow. This can be a frighting realization or a completely uplifting one. For me I struggle with change 90% of the time. I usually cling for dear life to what is familiar. That was not going to cut it for the long haul.

This Last year I desperately clung to anything that was “comfortable” but little did I know I was choosing everyday to live a life I didn’t like let alone want, but it was my choice I just couldn’t admit it to myself at that point. It seems that when you are in that survival mentality of just waking up and getting through the day anyway you can life is passing you by and all you can do is watch. Some have power over their mentality and some fall short sometimes, I definitely fall in the falling short category. I have learned it’s not about where we are, its about the choice that is right in front of us that we are able to choose. We can choose ourselves, we can choose love and growth, most of all we can choose the life we have always wanted. We are humans, but we are also beings. My soul craves growth and when I was starving it, it was getting louder and louder.

Growth is scary but I have learned from experience it’s scarier to stay somewhere you have outgrown. This journey of picking myself back up this summer has been anything but easy. For the first time in a long time, I looked at my life and where it was going, and I didn’t like it but worse I had no idea how to make it better. I started with falling on my face a few times falling back into the depression I had been so comfortable in and the remodel from the fire at the restaurant gave me time to take care of myself for the first time in months, maybe even years. We are programmed at such a young age to kill ourselves for our job but I finally had a break for the first time since I was 16 years old. I could have found another job right away but soul was so loud and I knew that break was more than I could have asked for.

I made the decision that I was ready to leave the place I grew up, my land of entrapment. Leaving had been on my mind for years now and I had finally saved a good amount of money to leave. Of course Life usually has different plans, my money was blown in the first month of me out of work and I still hadn’t received unemployment. I felt stuck but the only family I’ve ever been close to, my brother reached out a hand and said lets get you out of NM. He paid for my airbnb’s for 2 weeks, coming from a place where I was so uncomfortable to receive this meant everything.

I went out to Oregon ready to find a new home. The struggle had only become more real when reality set in just how hard it is to find a home when you have no money saved and no income moving to a new state. I felt even more lost, but then my favorite podcast The Bold Standard with Chiara Mazzucco gave me a spark of inspiration. I knew this was gonna be the girl who helped me activate the fire burning inside. It’s funny how when we decide we want something the universe is more than ready to give it to us. I asked for transformation, and boy did I get it. Even with no money I took a dive to sign up for a program that is changing my life and I am so grateful i did because in order to grow we must learn to invest in ourselves.

My summer ironically began with a fire at my place of work but the summer ended with a spark that has ignited my life. Growing is scary but it’s way worse standing in place. We might want to go back to whats comfortable but like my strong mentor has said “Your purpose has to be bigger than your bullshit” and it’s so true.

My First Blog Post

     Have you ever wanted to begin something, and just didn't know where to start? That's where I am at with writing this blog. If I'm being honest (which honesty is exactly what I'm going for) this is really hard. Digging deep is easy for me, sharing is the hard part. Being vulnerable is the last thing most of us want to do, but what happens when we let ourselves step into that vulnerable place? We are able to be ourselves, in an authentic light we all crave. I am ready; ready to share, ready to be honest and ready to do exactly what I've been feeling called to do, starting with writing and speaking my truth through this blog. We have all been through something difficult, traumatic, and life changing. So why is there so much separation, and so much hatred. It's time to connect and find support in our similarities and acceptance in our differences. I'm here to share the scary stuff, the pain, and confusing bullshit in everyday life that I'm sure you can relate too, also I will share the highs and the happy moments that make all of this healing truly worth it. This is for you, and this is for me. Lets get deep and leave that surface level. 
     Since we are being honest I'm in a weird place currently. A better place than three months ago that's for sure, but a weird place non the less. A few months ago I was serving, although it was decent money and I didn't have to work long hours I felt more and more drained everyday I went into work, truth is after a while ALL of my jobs felt that awful. Something actually felt broken inside, I had no drive and felt extremely disconnected to not only every person I came into contact with but most of all I felt disconnected from myself. I would have loved to blame my job (as I have done in the past) but the truth is it was me. I was broken. Work and TV were always an easy escape for me and it became exactly that everyday. As soon as I could come up to the surface for air, I felt like I was drowning again already over and over. I felt disconnected from my soul but one day driving to work I felt on my heart "trust". Universe/God/Source undeniably was there in that moment when I was so lost. Every once and a while we feel things we cant explain but I absolutely feel what happens next was a blessing in disguise I knew I had to trust. There was a fire the next day at the restaurant I was serving at. I felt devastated, it really felt like I lost something but I knew to trust this. I couldn't keep escaping, I finally had to face the monsters I had been avoiding for months or maybe even years. I have taken this time to fall back in love with my life and heal in every way I needed. Physical pain was only a fraction of the healing I was going to have to reconnect with. I was still feeling pain in my jaw from my wisdom teeth surgery over 2 years ago, I had been coping and ignoring at all cost. My back and feet were also suffering along with my poor health. Emotional pain was the last place I wanted to visit (we are going to get into all of that good stuff that we all avoid like the plague). Of course my mental health was on a downward spiral also. I'm not here to complain about all my bullshit and find sympathy, I don't want or need that. I am here to share and hopefully help someone who is going through something I have gone through or similar. Pain isn't evil, it is our tool to guide us to nurture what is broken. Ignoring pain is the easy part, feeling it and letting it hit us right where it hurts is the hardest thing but when you feel you heal. Lets grow through what we go through. I'm here to be honest and I know if you've read this far you're also here to be honest, so I'd like to take a minute and say thank you! I hope this resonates so you'll keep coming back to see where this journey takes me! If you'd like to share anything or talk about any of this please slide in my dm's on instagram! My life feels like a mess but that's ok I'm embracing the uncertainty and excited to see how I show up authentic and in full expression.